Those ugly beings...

I cant breathe clean...nasty nasty...my hungry lungs...i suffocate..i'm claustrophobic...i pant and suck in air greedily...don’t close the door…I want in…its my room…I need space…get the fuck out…just leave me alone…just LEAVE ME ALONE…go away go away go the HELLL away…I want to scream…go away go away…love hate beauty ugly fat cold…oh soooooooooo cooldd coooooooooold….frozen…dirty…crawling all over my skin…grease…I hate you I hate you…how dare you…why do you get to say all those things…and why don’t i…I hate you…you talk you think its okay to say whatever u want wherever you want…and must listen and pretend I don’t hear…I see you everywhere you bastard I hate you I hate you…you are ugly ugly ugly…rotten black goo…powerless weasel snivelling…and I must see you everywhere…man man man…everywhere man…the arrogance…you stink of it…don’t go alone don’t go alone…its not safe…I wanna scream and cry and thrash and hurt and skin and tear and claw…

Image Source

I’m me I’m me I’m ME…leave me be…I want space…I need air…I need space to run and be and breathe and think and laugh and dance and gaze and love…midnight…biking…freedom…wind..cold cold air…waking up the rage…the anger...the thrill...the mad in me…do you want to be raped…oh mi god she is a slut…look at her clothes…rolling eyes...whispers...sleaze...dizziness...cold cooooooooooooldd…hands...warmth...dirtiness...eyes…oh those eyes that are everywhere...watching watching...always watching…smirking…SEEING...wondering…those eyes that I claw out..,claw and poke…and slap and kick and make you SHUT THE HELL UP…forever…just shut up shut up shut up shut up…I don’t wanna hear anymore…my life my life…its MY LIFE…I don’t need anything anyone…stupid…playing games…why why why why why...my completeness accept…my power my beauty my wholeness…always stepping crushing belittling stamping laughing touching groping feeling breaking spoiling stopping waiting scheming playing…dirty dirty dirty…power…I hate you…disappear…soft and sweet and fragrant mystery…shatter…probing, prodding…plane…angles…squares and circles...away away away…don’t meet…don’t meet...judging always judging…façade…cool cool closed scheming façade…that mask covering your ugly thoughts...cut it off...piece by piece…I hate you

Wildfire in AP

Disclaimer: This is purely MY very very objective exploration of MY conjectures. It is NOT my intent to proliferate any rumours that might aggravate any situation.

Just as the Telangana issue seems to be cooling down in the state, a new issue has suddenly cropped up. TV 5/TV 9 and other 'local' news channels have started reporting news from a suspect source (A Russian magazine 'The Exile(d)) that the Ambani brothers are behind YSR's death, which was in actuality, not an accident but a pre-meditated murder. Rumours are flying about that the pilot of the helicopter was bribed or his family was bribed or something...

Incidentally, believe it or not, I was discussing a theory with a few people before this news came out...and I'm quite convinced that YSR's death wasnt an accident. Only, one of the ppl I was discussing this with said..."You actually believe that somebody bribed the pilot and convinced him to COMMIT SUICIDE?"...I was, of course, speechless and mortified. But it COULD happen, right? Maybe I've been watching too many conspiracy movies...but YSR's sudden death DID seem very OUT OF THE BLUE...yea, u skeptics might ask say..."It was an accident, for heaven's sake!"...and I have no answer to that...except...call it a hunch or a woman's intuition or what have u....but do you remember the coverage? It was quite vague...and a minor glitch turned overnight into a tragedy for the state. YSR was supposedly just stranded somewhere...and the next minute, we find out that hez dead!

Then, the making of a martyr begins...blah blah...tussle for CMship between Rosayya and Jagan...and once thatz settled...our noseman, KCR starts fasting...and voila! Fuck up at the centre and the state starts burning. I donno how many of you noticed this, but everything happened quite suddenly in a span of 3 months...one after the other. I havent looked it up, but I heard from loadsa other ppl that KCR did try the fasting trick earlier and no one really bothered...WHY NOW? And a looooooooot of resigning and party-badlofying by all those ministers...jokes about Naidu and KCR NOT expecting an okay from the centre...criticism against Sonia and Chidambaram for being too hasty...and after all this hullabulloo....and now, strong signs of a 'NO' to Telangana from the centre!

And just as that was about to START cooling down, MAYBE....THIS! More property damage and a call for a bandh 2moro. Demands to know about the black box in the chopper...or the voice recording...apparently YSR and pilot in a verbal tussle before death...more rumours and hype. The supposed 'public' (read paid goons) resort to violence and an already volatile situation flares up even more. I'm sure 2moro's news will be full of refutations from the Ambanis...and then, some fart will call for a probe in the state...coz obviously somebody from the state was involved. All the big shots will be implied...I can only think of KCR, Naidu and OBVIOUSLY Jagan himself (my gawd, the sympathy right now could easily win him the CMship). Then, the real mystery will never unfold but fact upon fabricated fact will sensationalize the news even more...and eventually it'll die down...there might be a split and there might be a new CM...or not...but one things for SURE! It'll take the state AGES to recover. Before 2day's new addition, the state has already incurred a loss of 3000+ crores...or so I heard. Hyd is the worst hit, with MNCs and potential foreign investors taking their business elsewhere.

And ultimately, even if the Ambanis are really implicated in the issue...they are definitely going scot free...and once things have calmed down, they'll cover up the losses incurred in the state. The ones who are going to suffer, again, are the common people. Mostly, the lower-end workers in reliance establishments and to a slightly lesser extent, other reliance employees.

Ironically, it is the students who suffer the most in all this. Hotblooded, yes...but that doesnt have to make us stupid. These are all games played by bigshots to mint money...and we, who depend on jobs for our daily bread can hardly afford police records. Wake up, dammit...and please stop ruining public property!!!

Feedback time!

Okay...its officially been 2 weeks since I blogged last. And if I'm to keep up my 200 blogs for next year, I shud've posted 6 more so far...and I know I'm behind schedule. But actually, I have been working on some. Only I thought I should get my blog layout right first.

A couple of you told me that my blog is not very reader-friendly...coz of the black background and the font and all that. However, I think the template itself is soooooo me...I couldnt change it. So, I played with a coupla fonts and sizes and bugged a friend to help me with the CSS and...VOILA!...herez the "new and improved" I at my lone roof! However, I'm still not sure if this is any more readable. I read somewhere that a yellowish font color is easier to read over a black background. You be the judge of that. Also, I wud prefer to go with a sans-serif font...something taht is neither too serious nor too close to 'Comic Sans MS', coz my posts could swing either way and be anywhere in between. So all my design and techie friends...plz gimme advice!! For once, I am willing to not be condescending and listen! :D

Rocket Singh ROXXXXXXXXX!

When was the last time you came out of a multiplex feeling AWESOME, with a silly grin or atleast a wide smile on your face, feeling completely satisfied with the 200 bucks you shelled out?

It happened to me today...and its a really nice feeling that I've had rarely and it keeps getting rarer and rarer (With the exceptions of Wake Up Sid, Ice Age 3, Taare Zameen Par and BOMMARILLU before that!) I miss it. Everytime I come out, I feel pretty disgusted at the 100/200 that has gone down the drain and I really resent the multiplex culture that seems to propagate mediocrity. I mean, the multiplexes are supposedly here to give space to 'new' cinema, but I've mostly seen practically empty theatres playing crappy to so-so movies whose entertainment value ranges from severe headaches to half-hearted laughs. They hardly make you think, they are nowhere close to the movie-goer's reality and WORST OF ALL, they insult the audience's intelligence.

So when a movie comes out that is good, it becomes one's duty to praise it to high heavens!! I already have serious regrets that I did not do that for WAKE UP SID on my blog (It was like a second Bommarillu for me...those of you who know what that means!)

So this movie...I kinda liked the way it started...the quaint old-homey-images-from-childhood-simple-homes kinda pictures they showed while the titles appeared, the regular oooooooh-thatz-what-my-home-looks-like-too setting and the everyday guy who has a tiff with his rich-fart friend.....things that we all can relate to. I am not going to give away the plot or even a bit of the story. I'd really like you all to watch it, coz it really is worth it. I'm not giving a rating of 10/10 like for WAKE UP SID of course...coz therez not many drool-worthy guys who make you come out grinning like a maniac from the theatre, but there definitely is something. Its different, its honest and its got a solid, realistic message...AND, its a must- watch for the young corporate employee. It covers everything...even how women are sometimes treated in the still-mostly-male-dominated corporate world, esply at office parties. The best part is that its all done quite sublty, simply and yet the message comes thru strong and clear!

Now that thatz all said, I will admit that I'm beginning to have a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE crush on Ranbir after this. 2 good movies in a span of 3 months...I'm definitely impressed :D And now, I must ROCKET off to sleep and dream about Sid(du)!

The noseman broke my home!

Today is a very sad day...for me and prolly for 5 crore others from AP. The other 5 must be jubiliant with joy. Facebook was filled with heated messages and even more provocative comments that could never end...that could never hope to lead to any meaningful conclusion. Twitter was a-twitter with excited emotions...anger, sadness, nostalgia, sarcasm, malice..
Even in Maharashtra, office canteens were abuzz with discussions and almost everywhere one heard "Telangana, KCR, Chandrababu Naidu" as they passed groups of students and techies on furiously venting out their emotions on street corners.

In all this chaos, my sentamentality has to make place for itself.

I have been hearing about the Telangana issue vaguely for about 5 to 6 yrs...but never really being one to care much about anything outside of my immediate circle, i hardly paid any attention. The extent of the matter was my loyalty to my 'hometown', Vizag being pitched against the superiority of a metropolitan Hyderabad in friendly banter with friends. I'm sure that if the state had split at that time, I wouldn't have minded as much. But then...it happened...I moved to Hyderabad...went to this amazing place to get an education (which will now be foreign, somehow) and the issue of Telangana hit closer home. I couldnt understand the language very well...which, in name is the same as my mother tongue. I had pretty much the same language problems as most of my northern friends...and worse, I was expected to help THEM out! As for the city itself, I resisted...I balked at the people...I might have scoffed at their customs...and even at the weather and terrain. But it grew on me, seduced me and completely won me over. I began to LOVE the language and its colour and its texture...preferred that over the 'properness' of my mother tongue. The people too became less strange and sometimes very dear...occasionally frustrating, of course! But I had loads of help falling in love with the city and with its unique blend of cultures...from my University and from my friends, who made it a home for me.

And now, of course, I've been pining for that home while the first got lost in time and memories. And to learn of this beloved city being pulled asunder in a tug-of-power war by NOSEY meddlesome individuals, it just breaks my heart.

To give the issue its due consideration, the agitation has been going on ever since Andhra itself was formed. The relatively ill-irrigated and resourceless area was neglected. The issue of caste also seems to creep in...somehow the region becomes a symbol of the downtrodden. Only, Telangana is also known for its Reddys. Even if/once the region becomes independent, the powerful Reddys of Telangana are not going to change and needless to say, not going to disappear. As for the proper allocation of resources, the moment-to-moment party-shifting antics of the Telangana hero from a few months ago dont inspire much confidence. Worse, the original fear of the 'Andhrites' regarding the Krishna and Godavari waters being held up might come true. And yes, that is exactly what we need right now...a role-reversal. That is going to help calm down the raging fires byutifully. And naturally, none of the benefits of the new statehood will trickle down to the self-immolating farmers anytimes soon, if at all. The only probable change would be even higher taxes until the resourceless state finds ways to generate revenue. I'm pretty sure the average farmer doesnt care if his postal address reads 'ANDHRA' or 'TELANGANA' coz he cant read anyway...he just wishes his son could read the alphabet.

As for the avg. andhrite...(i donno if i fall into the category), but I care! I care coz I dont want what happened with India and Pakistan to repeat and a bloody fued of hate to sear the borders. And even more important, since I must identify myself with 'Andhra', I hope that if/when Telangana crystallizes, the actual purpose of it is fulfilled and the benefits do trickle down to those who matter. If it MUST happen, let it be not to create yet another seat of power for morons to misuse, but for the layman's life to be less of a burden to him. I know this is an overly optimistic hope, but if all this pain of half a million people goes in vain, there would be no bigger tragedy. And my city...I will have to make an extra effort to not let it become too alien even as it changes, holding on to the memories that have made it my own....oh yea, and having hyderabadi biryani as much as possible...(even more so now!)

My LIST!

Its almost been a year since I started this blog...and I've hardly written a handful...and I donno about you guys, but I thoroughly enjoyed writing and even re-reading my stuff :D (even the ones I was asked to remove :P:P:P)

I guess I'm just writing again today after such a long break coz I'm yet again trying to start something...and i absolutely have to write everyday...I JUST HAVE TO!! except maybe weekends..u know...it'll be like work...only funner!

For today, since I'm wayyyyyy behind my schedule as usual...I'm just gonna put down a few things I wud really really like to cross off my list next year :D Please feel free to add/share ur list.

But before we get to that, have u ever thot of how much fun it is cross somethign off ur list? I actually LOVE making tons of lists and the fun part is crossing things off them...esply with a bright red marker...i have loadsa lists...mostly things to do, but also, books to read, movies to watch, things to find out, things to look up...apparently I remind my friends of the guy from Dasvidania...which I am yet to watch..and its on my list..hehe..well..newayz, herez my list:

DISCLAIMER: This is gonna be another random one(A...

DISCLAIMER: This is gonna be another random one(And I mean, RANDOM...havent slept in 36 hrs)...so..be fore-warned. Also, please ignore the racial slander. Its purely for a lack of adequate vocabulary. And er…please don’t kill me, I am only trying to work off my high on lunch...

These days, I find myself extremely happy coz of certain decision(s) I have made. I still am not doing much implementing them, but soon...very very soon...things are to change. Okay, wat the hell, I'll be even more indiscreet that I usually am and just say it here...I QUIT!! GUYS, I quit...my job, I mean...:D :D :D :D...I KNOW i shud panic coz I'm not gonna have the usual income source to blow over insanely expensive, fattening food, but it feels good. And honestly, I still dont think I have a concrete idea of what I'm gonna do next except treat myself to some TIME at home and be 'there' for the 'rentals...but its AWESOME!! I know I'm supposed to do some serious soul-searching...which I prolly will get done too...but I think I'll be happy not having to walk in to office with a worse slouch that I EVER had in the last 22 years of my life.

But thatz not what this blog is gonna be about...that was just an announcement I had to make (I cant believe I just chekd the dictionary to make sure I spelt 'announcement' right! Btw, thatz what an editorial job does to you :( ) Annywayz, so, to celebrate this new milestone in my life, I vegged out in my stinky place...watching the ants devour a week-old-carcass of a cockroach. In between, I managed to finish watching 12 movies...mostly gangsta-stuf...watched the fast and furious movies and a coupla action/thriller flicks...and Godfather...

And I am seriously worried about the Indian representation. I mean, we are only the 2nd largest populated country in the world!! We are all over the goddam planet!! And as all desis in the US will proudly claim, we have infiltrated all professions...esply in the US...from gas-station workers to NASA...we are EVERYWHERE! But have you ever noticed that all these gangsta films have Italian mafia (duh!), Chinese..er...Chinki? perhaps not...anywayz, slit-eyed mafia, and of course a lot of Eastern-European, Russian and African/African-American mafia...but WHERE, pray tell, are the Indian mafia?? seriously man! I dont know if they really do exist in the US, but we need representation in HOLLYWOOD! I mean, come onnnnnnn....Oprah invites Aishwarya Rai on her show, Richard Gere kisses Shilpa but we dont have any Indian mafia presence in Hollywood?? This is such a shame to our country. I mean, we, as a nation, need to wake-up and do something...open the world's eyes to show them that we have arrived!! This is a time, fellow country-men and country-girls, to show our mettle. It is time...to go to the mattresses (its from the Godfather, it means 'to go to war') and fight to the death...for wat is rightfully ours. So, let us show the world what we are made of and fight...for equality, fraternity...and I forgot the other thing...sorry.

Setting the right tone

Lately, I have been spending a lot of time at home trying to make it look more like a home where people live instead of a tornado-stricken danger zone....IN VAIN, of course...but I have been trying...

Thing with me tho (as I believe with a lot of other ppl)is that...I believe that proper cleaning can only happen with the right music. Without that, cleaning is not cleaning...because essentially, cleaning is a therapeutic process. One sorts through his or her mental files and reorganizes them according to the recent changes in life...filing a conversation with a friend as one scrubs the kitchen counter...highlighting the gossip as one rearranges the spices in the shelf...weighing ones options while sorting out old bills...that sorta thing. But all this can only happen with the right music in the background. Without that, one has nothing to distract them from the weight of the thots whirling in the head and there is the danger of letting them get out of control...ensuing in a possible full-blown panic! Ohmigodddddd...did she really mean that I was looking good today? Or did she imply that I FINALLY looked presentable?? Was that a hint of sarcasm I noticed? If only I remembered how she sounded...

You see?? Perhaps u dont...and perhaps its only me. But I stand by my statement. Without music, cleaning is not cleaning. But what I really want to share with you is this strange realization I had the other day. It only happened, of course, coz I was listening to the wrong music, as you will see.

Well, there I was, one evening after office washing my dishes (My maid ditched me..or I think I made her ditch me coz I was too lazy to get up and open the door...for a week...)I was happily scrubbing the dishes and piling them in one corner of the sink...trying to hum along to this really sappy romantic song...going along the lines of "Oh..how happy I am that you're in my life..." Well, I didnt particularly like the sound of tht one, so I went over and tried a coupla others...and I was getting more and more irritated as I progressed from one song to another. The CD had all happy-sounding Caribbean music. "Therez a boy in my mind...blah blah blah, blah blah blah", and then " To the left, to the right, jump up and down and to the knees/Come and dance every night, sing with a hula melody." This is the kind of annoying music that gets stuck in your head and you find urself singing this at work when you're photocopying a whole bunch of nonsense...and if its a really stupid song, you might even be lucky enough to have your boss walk in on you. Besides, it was too happy and goody-goody for me to be able to just wash my dishes and feel good about it. Perhaps if I had been on a beach trying to hula-hoop after the correct dosage of pina coladas...I might have been more partial to this music. However, any serious practitioner of cleaning therapy will tell you that this kind of music is absolutely detrimental to one's mental health. Even Russell Peters would agree with me...and let me assure you, he is of a sound mind and his every word is taken very seriously!

So, after a few choice expressions to vent out my irritation with the music and my dried up dishes, I patiently shuffle through the CD and find the perfect kind of songs. They go something like this "And now I know I want to kill you/like only a best friend could/Everyone's caught on to everything you do/Everyone's caught on to.." and

"Dont want to grow up
I want to get out
Hey!
Take me away
I want to shout out
Take me away" (this ones from Freaky Friday OST, by Christina Vidal...very good)

Ahhhhh!! Bliss...therez nothing like angry music to help you get your chores done. All that anger and rage, that swirling emotion and energy just bursting out from you channelled into scrubbing and washing...gawd,wat a release. They're are amazing to sing-along to...you dont have to try to hit any high notes or try to sing to any tune either...You cna simply scream with the chorus...the louder the better!! Best thing is, you have a fast-paced tempo to work to...your broom can move to the beat...its a beautiful symphony. Swish, THWACK! (u little ant, how dare you enter my home..)whip, wham, blam! Voila..you've got a sparkling clean home...and then, after all that work...I finally fresh up and go to sleep...humming "To the left..to the right..."

Flying Free

A few of my friends have been asking me about why I havent blogged in a while, actually urging me to get on with the next entry already! Its a really nice feeling. Thank you guys.

You all, of course, know that I havent blogged coz of my nemesis laziness. I've again gone back to the bad old ways...thru a new addiction. I've been catching up with all the movies I havent watched in the last 9 years. Hehhe...its deliciously decadent...altho there is a downside...the house stinks (AGAIN!) The maid is worried I wont pay her for this month coz I have been too lazy to even open the door in the mornings. My landlady prolly thinks I'm hiding a guy in my place, which is why I'm not even letting the maid in...I've had more than the usual dose of suspicious looks from her lately. And to make matters worse, this time, I really dont care.

But above all this, these last few weeks have felt like I'm trying to run away from something in a mad frenzy...the key words being 'mad frenzy' coz I'm running away all the time anywayz. I'm frantically looking for something new to do, frantically trying to catch up on movies, as if there is no 2moro, frantically trying to have fun, frantically scheduling and cancelling guitar lessons, frantically trying to find ways to spice up my life. And even today, I was frantically thinking about what my next entry is to be on. I had so many things to say, my head a chaotic whirligig of thoughts and apathy. Obviously, I'm "frantically" missing something!

My life, as I've known it for the past 3 years, is fast coming to an end and I cant go back to the way I was before that. Only, I have no choice anymore. I'm trying to recall what I was like before this...and I really cannot even remember that person. A few glimpses and the odd flashes of memories, but thatz about it. The last 3 years have been such a heady drug that my brainz really fuzzy right now and I cant figure out how I've tumbled down so fast and so deep. Practically everything that was meaningful has slowly eroded away and I am left with HarryPotter-esque images of grasping at ghostly wisps of smoke. I am reminded of this time in 'Catcher' (thatz Catcher in the Rye, my Bible, for those who dont know) when Holden's (the main dood) teacher gives him advice, which goes like this:

"This fall I think you're riding for - it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 24, spoken by the character Mr. Antolini

Probably the toughest part of growing up, after we are done screaming "I DONT WANT TO GROW UP!! I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS!" is to realize that life is not gonna be a party. Most, I guess do come with that chip embedded in their brain. But a few of us have these grand dreams of crazy times and cannot reconcile to the fact that life, essentially will only get boringer and boringer, coz the more you experience the more blase everything feels. So, I guess life boils down to the good moments and all the rest.

And right now, in this strange I-gotta-get-outa-this-dump mood, I have to quote Holden again, coz only those words condense the whirligig into something resembling a picture:

"What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I've left schools and places I didn't even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don't care if it's a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I'm leaving it. If you don't, you feel even worse." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 1

So, I guess I just got my good-bye and that was what I was trying to lead up to through this whole long, rambling, almost-pointless blog. I got my good-bye. Its a song called 'Flying Free' that I used to sing in my choir class back in the USA at 13. Its a byutiful song that me and this friend of mine used to love sooooooo much. The memory of that friend and the memory of the girl I was and the memory of the song. I hope to hold onto them as life passes me by.



Flying Free
by Don Besig

There is a place I call my own
Where I can stand by the sea
And look beyond the things I've known
And dream that I might be free.

Like the bird above the trees
Gliding gently on the breeze
I wish that all my life I'd be
Without a care and Flying Free.

But life is not a distant sky
Without a cloud, without rain
And I can never hope that I
Can travel on without pain

Time goes swiftly on its way
All too soon we've lost today
I cannot wait for skies of blue
Or dream so long that life is through

So life's a song I must sing
A gift of love I must share
And when I see the joy it brings
My spirits soar through the air

Like that bird up in the sky
Life has taught me how to fly
For now I know what I can be
And now my heart is Flying Free!

You Are Asparagus You're not exactly...

You Are Asparagus

You're not exactly subtle. You seduce people by being highly suggestive. And surprisingly, it works. Your outrageous ways are very appealing. You always try to look as sexy as possible. Even if it means being a bit inappropriate. You somehow always manage turn the vibe sexual. You have more fun when everyone is being naughty!

What Aphrodisiac Are You?