Friday, January 23, 2009

Different Happinesses

I was just looking at some pictures on facebook...of a friend of mine from a different world. Dazzling and glittery and crazy and happy. Thatz the story the pictures tell. I know there is a different story on the other side...but for once, can I have that? Can I have that wild craziness where there is only a bare, necessary bit of logic so we dont kill each other? Save for that, can I totally let go and just be young and mindless and drugged and happy? Oblivion. That's what I crave. Strange thing to be writing on a day when I'm feeling truly content and maybe, even subduedly happy.

I guess there are different kinds of happinesses. We all have, at one point or another, experienced the bone-deep happiness when we are just thankful for everything and glad that we are alive and happy...the joy of a beautiful memory, remembrances of delightful relationships, peaceful solitude...
And then, of course, there is the mad happiness, where we take a break from monotony and giggle over the silliness of life. Prolly happens more when we are young and naive/stupid...and hopefully, doesnt stop as we grow older.

But the kind of happiness I want, which I prolly had only in sharp bursts of ecstatic flashes, is the all-consuming kind...atleast for those blinks of time. Giddy ecstasy with no intrusive reason or logic, no silly relationship rules...just mind-numbing happiness letting you float away in a hazy consciousness between the harsh light of rigid strictures and the darkness of depression. This friend of mine used a byutiful phrase to describe this happiness...and it is one of my favourites: A wobbly-bendy happiness!

Friday, January 16, 2009


Thatz my life now...full of random meaninglessness...for some reason, I'm reminded of that MS Sathyu movie "kahan kahan se guzar gaye" I feel like the protagonist of that movie...he has everything that he needs...and doenst know wht to do with it. Meaningless angsts, changing lifestyles like clothes, trying on different cover up the lack of a truth and meaning that is him. I am essentially that. Long ago, I was 'grounded'...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


The subject is actually misleading. this is a random one, purely in an attempt to adhere to my vague convictions. Today's Bhogi. And of course, it wasnt any differnt from any other day.

I think the normality, monotony of life is suffocating. I bet my poor parents at home are feeling the same. The novelty of visiting their working daughter must've worn off in about 2 hrs, when they saw the hurriedly cleaned up mess. Some things just dont change.

Not to start on a depressing note tho, coz it was gud old times, when I play the pampered kid and they molly-coddle me. I really miss that. And the small things in life are the most beautiful. The fact that I try so hard to be my mom hasnt come between us recently and I'm so glad. I guess I've been hanging onto some teenage insecurities, but I dont think it really matters to me that I'm not like mom. Actually, I need to be me to mind those two kids.
Hehehe...its strange how roles always keep shifting. I wonder how it is so easy to read each other, done sooooo unconsciously, when we're happy...and suddenly, the signals are so hard to pick up when things go wrong. I suppose its the uncertainty of murky adulthood. However, I dont really know if I TRULY miss my black and white childhood...or for that matter, if it was really all that clear-cut. I've had heavy shades of grey from my earliest memories. I wonder tho...did the stains seep in from my grown-up reflections?

Saturday, January 10, 2009

New Beginnings

Its a new year. As cliched as it sounds, I want to attempt a fresh start all over again. Hence, the new blog. Very goth, I know...but I'm in a weird mood. I hope this year keeps me 'dark'. I am very productive in this mood...maybe that was just a myth. But I thrive on my angst. Jeez...using juvenile words, but thatz the reason for all this..isnt it? I AM juvenile. Still stuck in my teens mentally. This is essentially an attempt to move ahead and grow up. All the best, Jo....on your lone roof ;)