You all, of course, know that I havent blogged coz of my nemesis laziness. I've again gone back to the bad old ways...thru a new addiction. I've been catching up with all the movies I havent watched in the last 9 years. Hehhe...its deliciously decadent...altho there is a downside...the house stinks (AGAIN!) The maid is worried I wont pay her for this month coz I have been too lazy to even open the door in the mornings. My landlady prolly thinks I'm hiding a guy in my place, which is why I'm not even letting the maid in...I've had more than the usual dose of suspicious looks from her lately. And to make matters worse, this time, I really dont care.
But above all this, these last few weeks have felt like I'm trying to run away from something in a mad frenzy...the key words being 'mad frenzy' coz I'm running away all the time anywayz. I'm frantically looking for something new to do, frantically trying to catch up on movies, as if there is no 2moro, frantically trying to have fun, frantically scheduling and cancelling guitar lessons, frantically trying to find ways to spice up my life. And even today, I was frantically thinking about what my next entry is to be on. I had so many things to say, my head a chaotic whirligig of thoughts and apathy. Obviously, I'm "frantically" missing something!
My life, as I've known it for the past 3 years, is fast coming to an end and I cant go back to the way I was before that. Only, I have no choice anymore. I'm trying to recall what I was like before this...and I really cannot even remember that person. A few glimpses and the odd flashes of memories, but thatz about it. The last 3 years have been such a heady drug that my brainz really fuzzy right now and I cant figure out how I've tumbled down so fast and so deep. Practically everything that was meaningful has slowly eroded away and I am left with HarryPotter-esque images of grasping at ghostly wisps of smoke. I am reminded of this time in 'Catcher' (thatz Catcher in the Rye, my Bible, for those who dont know) when Holden's (the main dood) teacher gives him advice, which goes like this:
"This fall I think you're riding for - it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up before they ever really even got started." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 24, spoken by the character Mr. Antolini
Probably the toughest part of growing up, after we are done screaming "I DONT WANT TO GROW UP!! I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS!" is to realize that life is not gonna be a party. Most, I guess do come with that chip embedded in their brain. But a few of us have these grand dreams of crazy times and cannot reconcile to the fact that life, essentially will only get boringer and boringer, coz the more you experience the more blase everything feels. So, I guess life boils down to the good moments and all the rest.
And right now, in this strange I-gotta-get-outa-this-dump mood, I have to quote Holden again, coz only those words condense the whirligig into something resembling a picture:
"What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I've left schools and places I didn't even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don't care if it's a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I'm leaving it. If you don't, you feel even worse." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 1
So, I guess I just got my good-bye and that was what I was trying to lead up to through this whole long, rambling, almost-pointless blog. I got my good-bye. Its a song called 'Flying Free' that I used to sing in my choir class back in the USA at 13. Its a byutiful song that me and this friend of mine used to love sooooooo much. The memory of that friend and the memory of the girl I was and the memory of the song. I hope to hold onto them as life passes me by.
by Don Besig
There is a place I call my own
Where I can stand by the sea
And look beyond the things I've known
And dream that I might be free.
Like the bird above the trees
Gliding gently on the breeze
I wish that all my life I'd be
Without a care and Flying Free.
But life is not a distant sky
Without a cloud, without rain
And I can never hope that I
Can travel on without pain
Time goes swiftly on its way
All too soon we've lost today
I cannot wait for skies of blue
Or dream so long that life is through
So life's a song I must sing
A gift of love I must share
And when I see the joy it brings
My spirits soar through the air
Like that bird up in the sky
Life has taught me how to fly
For now I know what I can be
And now my heart is Flying Free!