Ageing

I wish I had written my piece y'day nite...now those thots will never come out right. I wonder at the tremendous changes we undergo from second to second. Coz, a while ago, I was thinking about how I was 12-13 years ago...back in school. And a lot of things about me havent changed. Physically, besides more weight, I havent changed much...apparently, I still have the same face I had back in school. Emotionally, I think I've always been a teenager. Even in my supposed 'childhood', I was never really just a child. I did different things, always acted 'different'. And of course, as my 'teenage' began to set in...my world turned upside-down and I was definitely stunted. And now, after 6 years...as a legal adult, I'm still the same. People even think of me that way...some silly girl who can never act her age. The irony is, there were times when I was wayyyyyy ahead of my peers and now I'm wayyyyy behind with no real hope of catching up. And sometimes, I feel OLD...as in Senior Citizen Old Age.

I have had times when I did feel my correct age, no denying that. But that seems as if I was possessed by something else and it happend to that being...not to me.

And of course, I envy all those who have a normal timeline, things happening at the right age. But it is suffocating, being locked into this fixed mental dimension. It feels as if I'll go through my entire life, with physical things and events happening to me at their destined pace and I'll never catch up with anything...never feeling the normal emotions, never saying the right thing, never responding to things with the maturity they deserve. The worst thing is, almost every minute of my life, I'll keep reliving all these painfully embarassing situations that I shouldn't even have been in the first place. I keep telling myself I wont think about it today, but when something just randomly pops up into your mind and you're not prepared, you have to put a lot of effort to will it away and not spoil your day. And once it starts, it just keeps coming, one embarassment after another and having to relive 23 years worth of embarassments over and over again is just terrible. I'm afraid of growing old, now.