Monday, February 2, 2009


I wish I had written my piece y'day those thots will never come out right. I wonder at the tremendous changes we undergo from second to second. Coz, a while ago, I was thinking about how I was 12-13 years ago...back in school. And a lot of things about me havent changed. Physically, besides more weight, I havent changed much...apparently, I still have the same face I had back in school. Emotionally, I think I've always been a teenager. Even in my supposed 'childhood', I was never really just a child. I did different things, always acted 'different'. And of course, as my 'teenage' began to set world turned upside-down and I was definitely stunted. And now, after 6 a legal adult, I'm still the same. People even think of me that way...some silly girl who can never act her age. The irony is, there were times when I was wayyyyyy ahead of my peers and now I'm wayyyyy behind with no real hope of catching up. And sometimes, I feel in Senior Citizen Old Age.

I have had times when I did feel my correct age, no denying that. But that seems as if I was possessed by something else and it happend to that being...not to me.

And of course, I envy all those who have a normal timeline, things happening at the right age. But it is suffocating, being locked into this fixed mental dimension. It feels as if I'll go through my entire life, with physical things and events happening to me at their destined pace and I'll never catch up with anything...never feeling the normal emotions, never saying the right thing, never responding to things with the maturity they deserve. The worst thing is, almost every minute of my life, I'll keep reliving all these painfully embarassing situations that I shouldn't even have been in the first place. I keep telling myself I wont think about it today, but when something just randomly pops up into your mind and you're not prepared, you have to put a lot of effort to will it away and not spoil your day. And once it starts, it just keeps coming, one embarassment after another and having to relive 23 years worth of embarassments over and over again is just terrible. I'm afraid of growing old, now.


  1. Alls well, thats said well..

    ANYONE who'd read this piece would wonder, WHAT prompted this? What happened yesterday night? What popped into your head just this time to make you feel so?

    What? What? WHAT?

    or thats what I thought ;)

    - Slim

  2. Just to give a little background info, 'yesterday night' did not prompt was 'today morning'...the morning-afters of any good time are ususally quite shitty, I suppose :), I take that back...I've had quite a lot of amazing morning-afters..hehe.

  3. I know we have had this discussion before and it might sound like repetition but WHY do we have to act and behave how we are supposed(???) to behave.I always feel that the most mature way to behave is the way you are most comfortable with. Other people might have problems with your attitude and thought but it's never worth it to go against your nature in talking or handling stuff. and who defines how we are to behave at what age? i don't understand. People should be born with a user manual then. a booklet which talks about what to do at what age and how to go about growing up. And embarassing moments? wrong decisions? impulsive stupid things? show me one person who can say he/she hasn't had them.Unfortunately most of us think that we are the ones who have made the most mistakes because we don't know about the others. and the others won't talk about ALL their fuck-ups right? Screw this stupid urge to "catch up" and set your own pace.

  4. Yes, a user manual would probably help...altho I might just toss it out and live the way I'm currently living anyway. All that you said is true...but what if the way you normally are is just completely unacceptable? Now, dont gimme bollocks about 'unacceptable to who'...coz, while ideally that should be the question, we dont really live in an ideal world. I just have to quote Holden again, here:

    “Life is a game, boy. Life is a game that one plays according to the rules.”
    “Yes, sir. I know it is. I know it.”
    "Game, my ass. Some game. If you get on the side where all the hot-shots are, then it’s a game, all right—I’ll admit that. But if you get on the other side, where there aren’t any hot-shots, then what’s a game about it? Nothing. No game."

  5. if you are trying to say that the way you live is completely unacceptable then you are just being insanely self-deprecatory and you know it.Jeez you are not a psychotic serial-killer are you? you might not fit into the "normal" crowd which is the majority and dictates terms but that doesn't mean you are all by yourself just because you choose to be yourself (and i wonder how many among the "normals" have CHOSEN to be "normal"). unless you want everybody to like you (which is impossible), there's no reason to go overboard as i see it.Holden has an admirer in you right? so will you have a circle of your own. Why should you care for everybody's approval of your lifestyle?

  6. What I'm trying to say is that the way I am, the way I live is completely unacceptable for the things I want..or so it seems. And no...I'm not a psychotic serial-killer (yet)...and while normal does bore me to death, it seems to give some direction to life...people seem to find it easier to believe in the illusions...and what I prolly need is to be able to believe in something, without having to constantly second guess it and question it. Thing is, nothing really is left pure and unquestionable direct oneself towards. It seems as if one must just accept the murky middle ground where the blacks and whites of life merge. It is so ubiquitous 'admiration' of Holden is also not absolute. Perhaps I'm being stupidly naive in wanting clear-cut blacks and whites, but then, I'm the one who doesnt want to grow up...soo..


    I might like this Soumalya guy..

  8. You is a good enough time to make introductions...Hey Gogs, this anonymous dood who keeps making random comments is EvilSlim, aka, Puran. And well...Babs, u know Gogs aka Soumalya (pronounced Shomollo). Thanks both of u for taking the pains to comment on all my random shit. hehehehehe

  9. Age,
    Nothing but the trickery of Time
    (and Fate, if you love that sage!)

    Just another way of being,
    Swinging between living and dying.

    Why feel the pain of becoming,
    When you can just BE,
    Buzzing like a worker bee.

    Good Ol' Friend

  10. ohmigod...thanx a lot...I think its the genius poet tossing away poetic words of wisdom at me from Amrika...but seriuosly...I wud appreciate it if you'd leave some clue to ur identity. I feel naked, blurting my thots out to the world and shadows throwing back suspect advice at me...

  11. ku ku ku..

    thats the way I like you.. and I guess Soumalya (I know how its pronounced OKAY? - been in THAT place for 4 years) will agree. :)

    well.. hi dude.. I am pretty sure u wont be coming back to read this comment.. but if you do..
    Hi Again.. :D


  12. i did come back to read the comment. hello there. i have heard a lot about you too. :)

  13. Hi Jo,

    Wanted to read your postings for a very long time...finally did that today. sure this is a process many wouldn't like to go thru. I call this a process because we have no control over it...and have to just live with it. Well, I too had such questions many times. But those who choose not to live the "sterotyped" life, will have to go thru these pain-points. can't help it.

  14. Da,
    You are off the mark with your guess here. I am definitely not from "Amrika". Saw the link in your gmail status message and arrived here...
    The anonymity bit was a bit of prank, I admit. But I ain't a cyber stalker either... Like I said, a "good ol' friend" who is a bit shy about revealing the face behind the pearls of wisdom...
    But then, who among your list of acquaintances shower suspect wisdom, even unasked for, the most in the last two years?

    Good ol' f(r)iend

  15. Hey...thanx a ton...I definitely am moving towards 'catching up' if not already catching things are good there:) I presume this is Sudha...whoever you are, thanks a lot..

  16. Hey,

    I guess I didnt come to read this comment up.. heard a lot about me huh? I wonder.. I wonder..

    any-hoo.. we dont really have a lot to discuss, do we? Except Jyotsna of course.. what do you guys call her?